I remember going into the video store and running upstairs to the gaming section and scouring around for the game that would entertain me for the weekend. If the game sucked, I wouldn’t have anything else to do but to play outside, and boy, did Mario Golf N64 push me outside to play actual golf. The game had nice box art and it looked like a friendly experience. Every character had alternate color schemes, there were challenge modes, and mother f-ing putt-putt courses, baby.

However, once you play the game you realize that there is hardly any Mario gameplay elements being featured here. Mario doesn’t have a flame power that makes shots easier or hits the ball onto a rainbow that glides into the hole. No, you better be fully frickin’ prepared to have a caddie by your side and a cart full of mulligans. So, if you haven’t played it, you might be saying come on, it’s a kid’s game, get gud’ bum, and you’d be right, it should be an easy golf simulator for kids. I mean look at the character’s faces on the box art; they look like they’re having so much fun.

Uh, oh, mommy I’m scared

Here’s the thing, the game works great as a golfing simulator. It’s as if Mario and friends were put into the game just so people would buy it. So first, you line up your shot off the tee. Nothing abnormal here. You can then choose to use a power shot for a longer distance (though you only have a finite amount), a regular distant shot, or a short distance shot for clubs like the putter and wedges. You can use whatever club you want during any shot and depending on the interference, you’ll need to be aware of the different trajectories and distances of each club. When you press A, the power meter goes along the distance bar, and depending on where you stop it is how far the ball will go. Afterward, the meter will retreat backward from where it came from, and you’ll have to press A again to stop the meter within a small gauge that I call the accuracy gauge. If done correctly, you’ll hit the ball as far as you set the distance meter. If you’re off center with the accuracy gauge, depending on left or right, you’ll draw or fade your shot away from the target. If you miss the accuracy gauge completely, you’ll slice the ball about 5 yards and waste a shot.

Already, that’s pushing the boundaries of what kids can do. I can line up the shot, I can pick a good club, and I can most likely do the power/accuracy meter most of the time. That’s where the horrors of the game start though. Not only do the power/accuracy meters affect the shot, but also winds, the slope you may be hitting on, the unique pathway (fade or draw) that your character hits balls, the location on the ball, itself, that you hit, whether the hole is uphill or downhill, the different terrain your ball may lay on, and the weather. My head’s spinning right now so I may have even missed some more aspects, but you get my point now. When you angle the shot, factor in the draw, and the slope, and get the power/accuracy meter correct, you did well, right? No dummy, you didn’t account for the wind, and now your balls are in a bunker. Okay, this time I have the wind, I have the shot lined up perfectly, and I messed up the accuracy meter slightly, and the ball slices off to the left. Finishing the hole in a one-stroke mistake (that’s what she said).

Okay, no more fooling around

Now I’m rolling up my sleeves, I’m mad. You wanted me mad game, I’m mad. I’ll do the calculations, I want that Koopa Troopa Cup title and I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll line everything up, check the winds, my gauges are on point… and I hit the ball 20 yards shorter than what I wanted. Why? I was in the ‘rough’ and my shot was listed as 80-90% of what the distance bar shows. Okay, no problem, right? It was one mistake. I made it onto the green and I can putt my way to par. Putting on this game is actually really fun, and I think it works well overall. The issue is there are select distances where the game can’t really handle the shot fairly.

If it’s within 30 ft., it’s usually fair game because of the Short power option that you can select making the maximum distance 30 ft. Max Regular distance is 100 ft. and Max Power is 200 ft. when putting. So if a shot is like 60 ft. away, you have to just barely go over the half way on the Regular option to get the power right. One-half second too early or late and that shot is missed. It’s fun but frustrating at the same time.

Imagine that you calculated all the shots to the green and you’re in a position to win the tournament. You’re on the green and must hit a 30 ft. putt uphill. You can’t use the Short power option because hitting uphill requires you to hit the ball a little further than 30ft. Now you’re going to have to eyeball the Regular power bar to find roughly 35 ft. It’s not easy, there’s a lot of pressure, and there’s a slope that could derail the path. If you miss, you may have to restart the entire tournament, and you’ve played for 15 minutes up to that point. Fatigue sets in. Your body and mind start failing you. Even if you hit it the way you want, you don’t know if it’s lined up right. That’s basically the game. Mental fortitude and perseverance.

I’m sorry game, you have bested me

The first few tournaments aren’t that bad, you can get the basics down and nothing seems too extreme. That is until you get to the 4^th and 5^th tournaments. Yoshi’s and Boo’s tournaments are incredibly hard. Why? Because all the gameplay elements that took you a while to get used to just got shifted into maximum overdrive. Winds go from 5 mph to 20+ mph. Slopes go from 4 ft uphill to 15 ft. Out-of-bounds areas are increased and fairground is limited. If you’re not accurate with every shot, you will never win these tournaments. The CPUs can be -7 under after 5 holes so you have to hope that you get good AI and they finish the tournament with something reasonable. My best finish was -2 or -3 under and I had no chance of winning these tournaments. It’s difficult and rage-inducing.

When you beat tournaments you get points, and the more points you get, the more courses you can unlock. The problem here is that you only get a big point haul from beating tournaments for the first time. So, if you want to unlock the final course, Mario’s course, you’ll need to either replay old tournaments a crap ton of times or beat Yoshi’s or Boo’s, which you probably won’t or ever will.

Closing Thoughts

Okay so I know I’ve been a little hostile with this game but the older I get, the more I respect it. It’s challenging, it has depth; all the things I disliked it for as a kid, I enjoy it for now. It’s a rare instance of a Mario game challenging kids and teaching them resilience and patience. Maybe just being exposed to this concept at an early age helped me notice the value of these traits later in my life? Who knows. Mario Golf 64 is a great game and I think it deserves to be played by those who like challenging games, and for those who love Mario sports games. The graphics are surprisingly good, the soundtrack is okay, and you’ll have enough here to keep you occupied for a long time. Something that not many N64 games can say.

Meta Scale Verdict

The Immovable Object (Game) vs. The Irresistible Force (Your Patience)

7/10 Experience

6/10 Multiplayer Experience

10/10 Challenge

7/10 Longevity

If you’re interested in Mario Golf 64, it is available on the Switch by way of the N64 online app. You’ll need to have a Nintendo Online membership to play, however. If you want to experience the game on the classic N64 console, check out ebay.com to find the console, game, or controller you need.